Some random thoughts about marriage and raising kids...

They really are sponges from day one. And earlier in fact, research has shown that the nature of mom's pregnancy affects the baby's development in ways we are only just beginning to understand. A Stressful, unhappy pregancy vs. a happy, unstressed pregancy is very likely related to a newborn's demeanor. The science backs it up, but really it seems quite obvious when you think about it. A fetus inundated with too much stress hormone (cortisol) will surely be affected in some way (how could it not?). Exactly how is still being studied but there is some evidence that a stressful pregancy is related to things like lower IQs, ADHD etc. It makes sense since the a new born baby will have been chemically primed for a world that is "stressful". 


 "The fetus builds itself permanently to deal with this kind of high-stress environment, and once it's born may be at greater risk for a whole bunch of stress-related pathologies."


http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=51730


This is exactly analogous to the "Dutch Famine" phenomenon where offspring of malnourished mothers have a much higher chance of developing conditions such as diabetes, obesity and cardiovascular disease. (So pregnant ladies: do your best to be happy and eat and sleep well!).

My daughter is almost 3, my son 5 months, I'm 38. But age is irrelevant, the same rules apply: Challenge us and we will evolve, don't challenge us and we won't. All life is based on this fundamental premise. I think children's ability and comprehension are too often underestimated. If my daughter is "smart" it is because she has been challenged to be smart. If my son walks early (my money is on 8 months) it will be because he has been challenged to walk early. None of these things are ingrained. None of this is genetically preordained. It is all a result of environment and stimulus. 

I read a Maclean's article a while ago about the disproportionate academic success of Asian students compared to "regular Canadian students". One Chinese mother explained it something like this: "we assume ability in our children, Western parents do not.".

Now, this may be an oversimplification of the subject, but for my purposes it perfectly illustrates my overall  philosophy as to how I treat my kids.

I assume they can. 

Even if they can't. I give them the benefit of the doubt every time. Including my 5 month old son. I assume he can stand up with little support. I assume he can crawl 6 inches to get my watch ("come on Johnny, come on boo-boo, it's Swiss!"). I assume my daughter can climb that thing in the playground, that she can understand me when I carefully explain that we live on a planet that goes around the sun, and that the sun it just another star only it's very close to us, or why she is sitting in her room for 10 minutes for biting my neck.

He may not. She may not. But that's not the point. I am treating them with the assumption that are able, that they understand. Because guess what? If they don't now, they soon will.

Treat your kids like "kids" and they will be just that. insist on a higher standard of civility and they will eventually rise to it (a never-ending work in progress). 

Obviously we want to keep our kids safe. But honestly, do you remember playgrounds being so full of  hovering, spotting parents? I fear it's creating a generation of wobbly, wimpy kids. Within safe limits I have always let my daughter try and fail. A fall from 1 or 2 feet builds character. I would praise her immensely when she finally learned to put her hands out to cushion a fall to the ground. "Good fall Nova! Well done, sweetheart, good job". My daughter is always covered in scratches and scrapes. As kids should be. And now she's a goddamned mountain goat compared to other kids her age because of it. 

And speaking of falling kids, here's a tip: When your kid wipes out, don't react until they do. I see it everyday. A kid has a minor spill, mom or dad rushes over to console the child who does not yet even require consoling. Consequently I see whiny wimpy kids crying over a little nothing of a fall simply because they've been conditioned to over-react.

Unless it's an obviously bad fall, which are rare (knock on wood), I always wait to see what she does. "You ok?". Most of the time it's "Yes I am ok". Dust 'em off, give 'em a kiss and send 'em back into battle. Zero drama. 

Kids are sponges, but they are also mirrors. They take all of their emotional cues from us. If my wife or I over-react, they will over-react. If we are loud and aggressive, she will be loud and aggressive. If we are tense, anxious or angry, do not expect you kid to be anything different. Like bees and dogs they sense it, they feed on it, they reflect it.

Our children are reflection of us. Their flaws are our flaws. 

These truths force me to try and be a better person. 

This is not to say say that if we are quiet and calm our kids will always be, they're kids after all, but I must always try to be what I want them to be.

My daughter is very smart for a not-even-three-year-old. But I don't want a 'Baby Einstein' weird-o misfit for a kid. In fact I generally oppose that sort of technological teaching. I'm convinced TV and electronic devices destroy attention spans. (a somewhat hypocritical position for me to take since I was practically raised on Sesame Street, but TV is different now...more on that another time). Nature is where it's at. The real world. Kids need to be outdoors and exploring as much as possible every day. A backyard garden is whole world to be explored. Ants, beetles, weeds, dirt: kid heaven. Indoor kids are unhealthy kids (on multiple levels). Books are where it's at too. 


I want my kids to be smart but the right kind of smart. Knowing characters, or reciting lines from a Disney film or some TV show does not impress me. Recognizing a Tim Hortons or Sobey's sign or does not impress me. Sure it's cute, but most kids have eyes like hawks. Most kids have insanely sharp memories. My daughter being kind to her baby brother or another child impresses me. Handing me scissors handle-first impresses me. Cracking an egg, beating it in a bowl with a fork, then stirring it in the frying pan (with only a little help) while standing on a stool impresses me. I want my kids to be balanced, well rounded. Analytical, but also abstract and creative. Independent but social. Tough but sensitive. I want my kids to survive (and hopefully thrive) in this world. And survival (physical and psychological) requires information. Information about why looking both ways before crossing a street is very important. Information about why being gentle, and caring about other people is important. 

When my daughter was younger she would (and sometimes still does) throw her stuffed animals or dolls I would react almost as if she has thrown a live baby or animal. I would feign concern for the tossed toy and console it. When she was still very young and she would hit me or kick me I would feign hurt and sadness (never anger, though as she gets older and the occasional random blow gets harder it's increasingly tougher to keep cool!). The lesson would not be complete until she had showed me (or the stuffed animal) some kindness and expressed some honest, sincere sadness and regret that she had hurt someone. These are where the seeds of empathy begin. And so far it's working. Although, like all kids, she can be brutal, selfish little caveperson, when my daughter hears another child crying in the park or play center, she immediately becomes concerned and wants to go over and see what's wrong. That impresses me.

Having me as a dad means that everything is a potential lesson, everything is a potential test. Sometimes I'm just the observer, sometimes I'm the referee, sometimes I'm the strict headmaster. But always with the wrapping of a loving affectionate father. 

It always ends with hugs and kisses.